The Next 5 changes Facebook will make Without Telling You

In a move last week that would have made Indiana Jones proud, Facebook ninja'd all our old email addresses and replaced them with equally good @facebook ones.

Or, you know, bags of sand.

Suddenly: 300 million angry boulders.

Personally, I’m a little bit disappointed with all the hullabaloo people are making.

I think it's thrilling that Facebook is taking such a personal and detailed interest in my privacy.

In fact, I haven’t been this relieved since my bank decided to protect my money by transforming it into a yacht -- which, I’m told, is now somewhere off the coast of Nigeria.

Being safe.

Now that's peace of mind.

What people fail to realize when whining about “not getting their emails” and "self-serving attempts to increase usage of FB email” is that Facebook is actually watching our backs.

From across the street.

With a telescope.

In fact, the overnight email swap is just the first of many changes Facebook will be making without telling you -- all for your own good, of course.

Behold: the next 5 changes Facebook will make without telling you.

#5. Changing your name

When people think of violated personal security, their worst nightmare is always identity theft.

So what can Facebook do to stop identity theft?

Study after study has concluded the same thing: it almost always strikes people with names.

To protect us, Facebook will start removing our names and replacing them with randomly-generated strings of numbers.

But don't worry: each new Facebook ID will come with a hand-dandy card to print out and share with your friends.

Fun!

#4. Auto-friending

God knows we all get tired of remembering who we met -- and where.

Well, Facebook will soon take all the confusion out of friending -- by remembering this stuff for you.

It's simple. Using the magic of geotracking technology, Facebook will institute auto-friending.

Every time two smart phones come within one meter of each other, a pleasant little "-bing!-" will sound, and the 2 smart phone owners will be made friends, automatically.

Never forget who you met at that bar again!

Imagine: What was once a train station crowded with pungent apes will now become a magical symphony of friendship.

#3. Auto-liking

Using military-grade surveillance technology, Facebook will start putting your webcam to good use.

By tracking your eye movements, Facebook will auto-detect micro-variations in how long you stare at images.

Once a clear pattern between content and gaze is established, images will be automatically LIKED (and shared) based on how long you stare.

Admittedly, polling has indicated this feature is least popular among married men.

#2. Post "optimization"

Facebook has always been about positivity and positive public relations and user experience, which is why we've never been given a "dislike" button.

Well, in an attempt to ramp-up the Happy, Facebook will soon start removing the word "dislike" and all other mean and hurtful verbs from user posts.

Phrases like "I hate", "I loathe" and "Mark Zuckerberg is a terrible dancer" -- gone.

These nasty quips will be replaced with more pleasant things, like "I heart network socialism" and "please sell me more Nikes".

#1. Photo enhancement

Facebook has always been known for having great community engagement.

But what it has lacked up till now is a feeling of real, human closeness. Facebook is there, but it's not really there.

No longer.

Soon Facebook will inject itself into the lives of its users like never before.

Using sophisticated imagining technology, the social network will soon help you feel closer to it than ever by adding itself (in the form of the Zuck) to your photographs.

All of them.

Like a guardian angel.

There you have it: the next 5 changes Facebook will make without telling you.

Excited?

Thanks for reading! Remember to click Like and Share, or just send some Haight Mail to your friends. Updated each and every week.