Facebook's stock price skyrocketed 5% this week when it became clear that the world hadn't ended.
"This is completely unexpected," said market analyst Susan Meyers.
"Wall Street had pretty much given up on Facebook. But when the Earth suddenly didn't cease to exist on December 21st, investors realized we'd all have a lot more time to waste."
"Not being dead changes things," she continued, "we've got to find something to do."
Prior to the 21st, Facebook's future looked very different.
Mark Finnegan explains: "Our models indicated that Facebook's user base would figuratively shrivel up and die once they literally shriveled up and died.
"Facebook would have become a non-option once the sky turned black and humanity was forced to retreat underground to begin their evolution into a species of nearly-blind mole people.
The end result of Bieber Fever.
"This has apparently not happened," continued Finnegan, "although I think it's too soon to confirm we haven't already been enslaved by sentient machines and are trapped in a dream world, never to awaken."
Analysts reverse course
"In light of our predictions, we expected Facebook's Q4 earnings reports to be dismal at best," remarked Roy Silantro, a hedge fund manager for topiaries.
"No serious analyst believed Facebook's ad revenue would have grown if the Earth had suddenly became a molten wasteland where acid rain melted flesh from our bones.
"And while the Earth did not explode, it's still unclear if this will be a good thing for Facebook in the long run."
Despite armageddon unexpectedly not happening on the 21st of December according to a 5,000 year old calendar, a few experts have taken a bit longer to convince.
"The 21st could have just been the beginning of the end," said U.S. Congressman Niles Thornby, "There could have been a plague of toads, a zombie outbreak, or an unstoppable wave of mutant wasps. These things take time to get going.
"If only it was clear from the beginning that this was all a bunch of nonsense. Maybe we wouldn't have fucked around so much on the fiscal cliff negotiations."
So much for Plan Armageddon.
"But I wouldn't breathe easy yet," continued Congressman Thornby. "Yes, the world hasn't ended. But remember: Congress is still in charge."
Mixed Reactions
Not all reactions have been positive.
"We're all extremely disappointed," said MySpace founder Tom Anderson. "My last solace was to be that when Earth slipped from orbit and plummeted into the sun in an inferno of death and destruction, Mark Zuckerberg would finally reflect on how mean he was to MySpace, and feel a little sorry for his behavior.
"I'd rather die in an inferno than live another day with that injustice."
No Comments